10 Things You Need to Do To Get Promoted

10 Things You Need to Do To Get Promoted

by Bryan Neva and Allen Laudenslager

Preface

Over our hundred plus years of combined working experience, we've seen what it takes to get promoted to a leadership or management position, and it's probably not what you'd think. So before we begin, we'd suggest that you first spend some time observing your organization, inquiring with long-time employees, and pondering if you really want to move up your organization's career ladder. 

First, survey the landscape by observing the type of people who've already been promoted to different levels of responsibility. What kind of people are they? What are their age, race, personalities, interests, and belief system? Are they kind and considerate, or are they mean and self-serving? Corporate culture begins at the top of the organization, so the personalities of the managers is a good thermometer of the corporate culture. 

Second, gather intelligence by asking long-time employees (not managers) what they think of management. They can provide you with some historical context and notable events that have occurred. Look for a pattern of behavior. You'll probably get all sorts of answers both positive and negative, so try to ask as many employees as you can and then draw your own conclusions. This is akin to measuring the blood pressure or happiness of an organization. 

Finally, knowing the state of affairs with your employer, you can make an informed decision whether or not to even bother trying. It might be better to just cut your losses and run. But if you still aspire to a leadership or management position within your organization, here's what you'll need to do to get promoted. 

1. Look and dress the part

If you want to move up in any organization you must also look and dress the part.  Dress to impress.  Look at those who hold the next higher position than yours and dress like they do.  Also, consider getting a hairstyle similar to your superiors.

Always be clean and well groomed when you come to work.  If you’re overweight, you need to go on a diet and shed those unwanted pounds. Overweight people generally don’t get promoted. If you smoke, you need to quit, or at least try not to smoke at work by using nicotine patches. Always use breath mints while at work, and go easy on the cologne or perfume: less is more.  

Studies have shown that attractive people generally are given more opportunities than less than attractive people.  So do whatever it takes to improve your appearance through better grooming, hairstyles, clothing, weight loss, healthy living, and fresh breath.

You shouldn’t think of this as misrepresenting who or what you really are.  If you were learning to play tennis, you wouldn’t wear Levis and cowboy boots so why wouldn’t you dress appropriately for your new job.  If you're in the military they have a strict dress code.  If you work at McDonald's they have a dress code too. Even if it’s not your current job, but rather the job you aspire to, look and dress the part.

Some people have asked, what do you do when your personality is Levis and cowboy boots and your job is a three-piece suit? You either have to accept that your job demands you display a different part of your personality at work or change career fields to one that more closely matches what you think of as your personality.

When I (Bryan) was in the Navy, there were sailors who worked in the greasy diesel engine rooms.  Most of them walked around the ship covered from head to toe in grease and grime. They'd even come to the mess deck and eat without washing themselves first.  It was really gross especially if I were sitting next to them. I'd lose my appetite and just leave. But there was one sailor who also worked in the engine rooms, but took personal pride in his appearance and was always clean and well groomed.  We jokingly used to kid him about his cleanliness, but he'd just say that working in a dirty environment is not an excuse for filthiness. Guess what, he was eventually promoted over his peers.  

You have to think of going to work like going to a party or club and trying to attract the opposite sex, or going on a job interview and trying to get the job.  You only get one chance to make a good first impression.  But consistently dressing well can leave a lasting impression that will help you get promoted.

2. Be very careful what you say, who you say it to, and how you say it

The great philosopher Aristotle once said, "To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing!" The first step in getting a promotion is to mind your "p's" and "q's." Be very careful who you talk with and what you talk about. While not being rude or making others feel uncomfortable, do not share too much personal information about yourself. Try to diplomatically sidestep personal inquiries. And don't ask others any personal questions either as you never know if they'll be offended. Even small talk or conversational openers such as, "Where do you live?" could be offensive to some people. Don't brag about yourself or your accomplishments in life. Be meek and humble to a fault.

The less you say at work, the better off you'll be positioned to getting a promotion.  Other than benign details, be guarded about sharing too many personal details about yourself with anyone.  If you're having personal problems at home, don't bring them to work. Even if you're going through a bitter divorce and custody battle, keep it to yourself. Don’t be rude about it, just be coy about discussing your personal business. Think of professional television and radio personalities, you may think they’re being open about themselves, but in fact, if you listen carefully they’re actually being quite guarded about sharing details about their lives. They say just enough to connect with the audience and no more.

Be very careful if you go out for drinks with coworkers.  A little bit of alcohol can lower your inhibitions and you may say something they can use against you later.  In fact, it’s probably better just to order a soda.  Just tell them you’ve got to drive or you're on medication which doesn't mix well with alcohol. 

Abraham Lincoln once said, "It's better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt." People will judge you by the words you use.

3. Don’t criticize or complain about anything

Being negative won't get you anywhere in an organization (or in life for that matter).  In fact, in time it'll probably get you fired. Organizations don't like malcontents or dysfunctional behavior. They want everyone to be happy campers even if the working conditions are in fact miserable and your superiors are misbehaving.  So if you want to get promoted, you'll have to become stoic at work. The old cliché, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all!" really applies here.

As far as your colleagues are concerned, don't say anything negative about anyone else.  If someone says something negative about someone else, retort by saying something positive about them.  

Euphemistically phrase everything you say.  For example, if something is going really badly, say it's challenging.  If you work in deplorable conditions, say you work in a rugged setting or an early century environment.  If someone is behaving badly, say they were having a bad day.  You get the idea.  In other words, don't call a spade a spade, instead be very diplomatic in everything you say.  Bridle your tongue by thinking about what you’ll say or don’t say before you even say it.  And never use profanity or foul language at work.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, if things are really that bad at work where you have to be extremely guarded, you might be happier looking for an exit. No one likes working in a toxic, dysfunctional work environment. There is no shame in recognizing that the place is broke-beyond-repair and you just can’t fix it.

4. Be completely honest and trustworthy

You have to be completely honest and trustworthy in everything you do.  These are virtues to strive for whether or not you’re at work.  If you make a mistake, then fix it and humbly admit it.  Don't try to hide your mistakes or blame it on someone else.  If you catch someone else making a mistake, help them fix it and make them look good and you’ll earn their trust and respect.  Let your work speak for itself and be your calling card so that when someone else comes behind you they'll be impressed with the quality of your work.

When you're on official business or travel, keep your expenses down to a minimum.  Think of business travel like you're spending your own money when you go on vacation.  Economize. Companies generally don’t mind paying legitimate business and travel expenses, so just follow the organization’s rules and regulations on business and travel and try to come in under budget.

Being honest and trustworthy is easy at the lower levels of an organization, but as you move up it becomes a bit more difficult as you’ll be faced with more ambiguous situations.  At the lower levels, you can pass the buck of responsibility and decision making up the chain of command. But at the higher levels, you have to make sense of ambiguity and try to make wise and prudent decisions.  This is why it’s so important to have guiding principles in life to point you in the right direction when you’re lost and don’t know which way to turn.

We’ve both have been in jobs where the culture was to make unethical decisions if it helped the bottom line.  And if anyone in the organization actually tried to make a principled decision it actually got them into trouble.  All we can recommend is run, do not walk to the nearest exit.  Trying to fight the organization by making principled decisions will only destroy you.  But we promise you that if you consistently make unethical or illegal choices it will eventually catch up with you and cost you much more than simply changing jobs.

5. Be well liked and respected throughout the organization

In order to get promoted you first have to be personally liked and respected by your colleagues.  And you have to be cognizant of who in your workgroup is the most influential as they can either help or hurt your career.  If you're working with jerks, then kill them all with kindness.  But never let them perceive what you really think of them.  As far as they’re concerned, make them believe you like and respect them too (even if you really don't).  Showing respect to others can be as simple as showing the common courtesy we should all show to another human being (even if they really don't deserve it). 

The next thing you need to do is be personally liked and respected by your manager.  If your manager doesn’t personally like or respect you, then you'll never go anywhere as they can sabotage your career.  If you're working for a jerk, kill him with kindness too, but look around for a lateral move within the organization. Changing bosses can make all the difference and help you get ahead.  If a lateral move isn’t possible, it’s probably time to look for another job with another company.  If your boss doesn’t like or respect you, no matter how well you do your job it’ll never be good enough for him or her.

The next thing you need to do to get promoted is to be liked and respected by other managers (your manager's peers).  They too have influence with the decision maker and can help or hurt your career.

Finally, you have to be liked and respected by your manager's boss.  Any chance you get to make a positive impression on this person can only help your career.  Emails, presentations, exchanging pleasantries are all good ways to make a good impression.  But be careful not to let them perceive you’re sucking up to them, that’ll turn them off.  Less is probably more when it comes to dealing with this individual.

You should think of going to work like being an actor in Hollywood trying to win roles and eventually winning the academy award, a political candidate trying to win votes and getting elected to public office, or a salesman trying to make a good impression and closing the deal.  This is not about being disingenuous with others; it’s just like going to a wedding and being kind and friendly to the other guests so that the wedding can be fun for everyone there.  So, make the same effort at work.

The Golden Rule says, “treat others the way you want to be treated.”  But the Platinum Rule says, “treat others the way they want to be treated.”  In order to be liked and respected by others, you have to follow both the Golden and Platinum Rules. Once again, you really can't fake this.  You must truly care about the people around you. That doesn't mean you will like and respect everyone, just that you must care that they succeed and that the organization as a whole will make its goals.

6. Keep your creative ideas and solutions to yourself

The only person allowed to be creative in any organization is the person at the very top. Everyone else is only allowed to carry out their creative ideas and solutions.  You have to walk a fine line here.  

Many organizations that claim to want creative solutions to their problems really only want creative solutions that don’t violate established policies or procedures.  The problem for you is that if the established policies or procedures could fix the problem they wouldn’t be looking for a creative solution!  Whenever possible frame your solution as a one-time exception to the rules so that you don’t make the bean counters too nervous.

7. Be consistently outstanding in performing your job

Doing your job and doing it well is a very important prerequisite to getting promoted.  In fact, if you want to stand out from your peers, you'll have to exceed your boss' expectations and give him or her more than what they asked for in a timely manner (even if that means coming in early, staying late, working Saturdays, and bringing work home with you).  When you do your job well, it makes your boss, as well as the entire organization, look good.

Think for a moment about the skill level of professional athletes.  Most good athletes were high school or college sports stars, but only a few of those made it into the pros.  Are the few outstanding athletes who do make it into the “big leagues” really that much more talented?  Or did they just put in the extra effort and time to hone their skills to the professional level?

There are plenty of people who do a good job, and they make up a majority of the workforce. Nevertheless, most high performing organizations have raised the bar so high that being good is no longer good enough.  If you're not consistently performing at a superior level you might be in danger of losing your job.  To get promoted you have to have sustained, superior performance.

Jack Welch, the legendary and controversial CEO of GE, pioneered a method of annual employee evaluations where GE would cull the bottom 10% of their workforce every year.  Managers could only rate 20% of their employees as "excellent”; 70% of their employees could be rated "good", and the bottom 10% would have to be rated "poor" and subsequently let go.  Following in GE's footsteps, many other large companies adopted this scheme of annually culling their workforce.  Personally, we’re opposed to culling employees for many different reasons, but then again we’re not running GE. But if you consistently do your best at work, then you’ll have nothing to worry about.

Along with doing a great job at work is showing flexibility and adapting to change.  You may begin your career with a certain job description, but how you end your career depends on your flexibility and your willingness to accept change as inevitable.  There will always be some people who just want to be a designing engineer and have absolutely no desire to be the managing engineer. That’s perfectly OK as long as it’s a choice and not the result of not doing their best work.

8. Prove you can do the job above you

Over time you have to prove to your superiors that you can do the job above you.  This means stepping up to the plate every chance you get to go the extra mile.  If your boss goes on vacation offer to cover for her while they’re gone.  Maybe there are routine reports that have to be filed, do those for her.  In fact, try to relieve your boss’ work-load by taking on some of her collateral duties.

One way you can prove to your superiors that you’re ready for more responsibility is by furthering your education.  If you’ve got a technical background, consider getting an MBA. If you don’t have a college education, go back to school and finish your degree.  Online distance education has made is so much easier than when we were young and you physically had to go to a brick and mortar school. Also, take seminars that will help you improve your job performance.  Or earn certifications that will prove your skill level. Go to the self-help or business section of your local bookstore and peruse the books.  You may find a book that could be transformative.  

Remember that anything you master will not only prove to your current boss that you are motivated and prepared, it will prove exactly the same things to a future boss if you decide the current company doesn’t value you.

But as Dirty Harry said, “A man has got to know his limitations!”  So don’t fall prey to the Peter Principle by getting promoted to your highest level of incompetence.  It’s better to pass on an opportunity until you’re absolutely sure you can do the job.  It won’t help you in the long-run if you’re promoted and eventually fail.

9. Share your superiors values and interests

People who get promoted more or less share their superiors values and interests.  More often than not, you’ll get promoted because your superiors personally like you.  And they’ll like you more if you share their values and interests. But you have to be very careful here if you want to maintain your personal integrity.
  

If your superiors are politically liberal or conservative, don’t pretend you’re a liberal or conservative just to ingratiate yourself with them.  If your political views are different, just keep your opinions to yourself.  If your political views are the same, then nod in agreement.  If they play golf and you don’t, then don’t  pretend you like golf too.  Just say you’ve never tried golf before and you've always wanted to learn to play.  Maybe they’ll invite you along to learn to play golf and you might discover a new hobby.  If you don’t have much in common with your superiors, then just show an interest in what they like even if you personally don’t like it.  There’s nothing disingenuous about showing an interest in others and their hobbies.  All you’re doing here is managing which parts of yourself you share with others.  In exactly the same way you wouldn’t bore your wife with a review of a football game if she doesn’t like football; you’d save that discussion with your buddies who love football.

The one thing you do have in common with your superiors is your work.  Try to learn more about the organization and the industry you work in.  Start picking their brains and asking open-ended questions so you can learn more and become a more effective employee.  Start doing your own research on the industry and problems they face.  Maybe you can come up with creative ideas that you can do on your own to help your organization become more competitive.

10. Do Not Drink the Kool-Aid

"Drinking the Kool-Aid" is a figure of speech which generally refers to people who unquestionably accept a philosophy or go along with peer pressure or group thinking without critical examination.  It is a severe criticism of those in an organization who don't think for themselves, go-along-to-get-along or engages in a sycophantic behavior.  

This figure of speech has it's roots with the infamous American religious cult leader of the People's Temple, Jim Jones, who on November 18, 1978, in Jonestown, Guyana, demanded his followers commit suicide with him by drinking cyanide-laced, grape-flavored Kool-Aid.  He is responsible for the murder/suicides of over 900 people.

Most companies will not ask you to Drink the Kool-Aid or do anything unethical, illegal, or morally questionable.  However, there are some organizations where you’ll only get promoted if you’ll figuratively Drink the Kool-Aid.  But that’s not the type of organization you’d want to work for anyway.  

In those unethical organizations, they’ll want you to blindly follow whatever they tell you to do.  If they want you to get rid of a good employee, you'll have to do it without losing sleep over it.  If they want you to do anything questionable, unethical, or illegal for the good and profitability of the organization, you'll have to do it and not bat an eye. They'll ask you to reach into your own pocket to pay their legitimate business expenses. They'll pay you far less than you're really worth in the marketplace. They'll consistently ask you to put in sixty to eighty hours a week so they don't have to hire more people. And they'll motivate you by hanging your job security and livelihood of your family over your head. If that’s the type of company you work for, don’t waste your time and energy trying to get promoted. Just start looking for another organization that values honesty and personal integrity even if it means taking a pay cut. Over the long-run, it’s much better for the welfare of your family, your own health, and your long-term career success for you to just find another job than to fight within your organization.

We've both worked for unethical companies like those described above, and the big career limiting choice we each made was to Not Drink the Kool-Aid.  Many of our colleagues in those companies chose to Drink The Kool-Aid and were subsequently promoted over us.  As far as we know they thrived in their careers whereas we both suffered. But we were more concerned about doing what is right rather than in just doing the right things to get ahead.

Conclusion

In short, getting promoted is a combination of playing politics and then doing your job extremely well. Some people have a really hard time playing politics; they feel if they just do their job extremely well then management will notice and they'll eventually get promoted. But the reality is that the "C" students in school usually end up managing the "A" and "B" students. So doing all these things we suggest is no guarantee you'll ever get promoted to a leadership or management position.  Oftentimes, the best and most qualified people don't get promoted, and that's just a sad fact of life. 

We're all complex, multi-dimensional people with many facets of our personalities. You may be an engineer who loves riding motorcycles, a technical writer who loves building sailboats and campers, an accountant who rides mountain bikes, a janitor who's the part-time pastor of a small church, a waitress who writes romance novels, a businessman who likes to volunteer at soup kitchens, a physician who plays guitar in the church band, or a scientist who sings in the community choir. The point is that you may only display a small part of who you are at work and that’s OK. In fact, that’s a big part of the points we’re making here. You aren’t changing who you are when you follow these ideas, you are just selecting which of your existing facets you will show at what time to further your career.

You may read these 10 things and decide that trying to get promoted is really not for you, and that's OK as not everyone is cut out for leadership or management positions. Sadly, the big reason we've seen people aspire to leadership or management positions is simply that they want more power and money. Ideally, it should be because you'd like to make a positive difference in your organization. Nevertheless, if you consistently follow these 10 things we suggest, you'll greatly increase your chances of getting that promotion you've always wanted, and you'll do it in an honest and ethical manner.  

Lifelong Learning: a lesson from the railroads

Lifelong Learning: a lesson from railroads
by Bryan J. Neva, Sr.

At my college graduation ceremony, the commencement speaker talked about the history of railroads in the United States. I suppose the transcontinental railroad, a major 19th century engineering achievement, was an appropriate motivational topic for a room full of freshly minted engineers ready to make their mark on the world.

As my mind wondered, the old man rambled on about how it took the better part of the 19th century (starting from around 1815) to lay tens of thousands of miles of railroad track crisscrossing the entire nation. His voice grew more intense (and I perked up) as he spoke of the golden age of railroads in the latter half of the 19th century. It was a time when American railroads enjoyed world supremacy and near monopolies. Pacific, Western, Northern, and Southern were household words. It was a time when untold fortunes were made by men like Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller, and J.P. Morgan.

I was on the edge of my seat when the old man suddenly paused and changed his tone. Due to new competition from other modes of transportation (like automobiles) and more stringent federal regulations, the railroads had fallen into almost a complete state of disrepair by 1920. What took a fortune and almost an entire century to build only took about 20 years to break down! The old man's point was this: you've spent a lot of time and money getting your education, don't let if fall into disrepair by not learning anymore.

Denis Waitley, the author of the book "Empires of the Mind," writes that people think the American dream has been lost. It really hasn't; it's just going to take a lot more effort to get there. The average formal education has a very short shelf life of maybe 18 months, Waitley argues. People need to accept more responsibility for their future by reexamining old paradigms, forming new habits, and taking advantage of every educational and training opportunity that comes their way. Otherwise, the mental railroads we've built could fall into a state of disrepair in less time than we think.

Our Leaders

Our Leaders

by Bryan J. Neva, Sr.


13 Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. 2 Therefore he who resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of him who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval,4 for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain; he is the servant of God to execute his wrath on the wrongdoer.5 Therefore one must be subject, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. 6 For the same reason you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. 7 Pay all of them their dues, taxes to whom taxes are due, revenue to whom revenue is due, respect to whom respect is due, honor to whom honor is due.

- St. Paul (Romans 13:1-7)first century A.D.

As we watch the sound bites of the various Presidential candidates on the evening news it's important to keep in mind that it's God who puts people in positions of power to accomplish his will.  This doesn't mean we abandon our common sense, not take part in the debates, or not vote in the election; what it does mean is that we continue to be good citizens and keep those who are in power in our daily prayers as St. Paul taught us.

In fact, one could make the argument that it's God who puts everyone in a position of power even if it's a small organization like a "Mom and Pop" business. Does this mean that God condones poor leadership or sinful behavior? Absolutely not, and nether should we! But it does mean we have an obligation to pray for our leaders no matter what their position in life may be and continue to be good examples of righteous behavior in our workplace, our community, our state, and our country. 

ARROGANCE

Proof That Positive Work Cultures Are More Productive by Emma Seppala and Kim Cameron HBR

Proof That Positive Work Cultures Are More Productive

• by Emma Seppälä and 
• Kim Cameron

DECEMBER 01, 2015  Harvard business review

Too many companies bet on having a cut-throat, high-pressure, take-no-prisoners culture to drive their financial success.

But a large and growing body of research on positive organizational psychology demonstrates that not only is a cut-throat environment harmful to productivity over time, but that a positive environment will lead to dramatic benefits for employers, employees, and the bottom line.

Although there’s an assumption that stress and pressure push employees to perform more, better, and faster, what cutthroat organizations fail to recognize is the hidden costs incurred.

First, health care expenditures at high-pressure companies are nearly50% greater than at other organizations. The American Psychological Association estimates that more than $500 billion is siphoned off from the U.S. economy because of workplace stress, and 550 billion workdays are lost each year due to stress on the job. Sixty percent to 80% of workplace accidents are attributed to stress, and it’s estimated that more than 80% of doctor visits are due to stress. Workplace stress has been linked to health problems ranging from metabolic syndrome to cardiovascular disease and mortality.

The stress of belonging to hierarchies itself is linked to disease and death. One study showed that, the lower someone’s rank in a hierarchy, the higher their chances of cardiovascular disease and death from heart attacks. In a large-scale study of over 3,000 employees conducted by Anna Nyberg at the Karolinska Institute, results showed a strong link between leadership behavior and heart disease in employees. Stress-producing bosses are literally bad for the heart.

Second is the cost of disengagement.While a cut-throat environment and a culture of fear can ensure engagement (and sometimes even excitement) for some time, research suggests that the inevitable stress it creates will likely lead to disengagement over the long term. Engagement in work — which is associated with feeling valued, secure, supported, and respected — is generally negatively associated with a high-stress, cut-throat culture.

And disengagement is costly. In studies by the Queens School of Businessand by the Gallup Organization, disengaged workers had 37% higher absenteeism, 49% more accidents, and 60% more errors and defects. In organizations with low employee engagement scores, they experienced 18% lower productivity, 16% lower profitability, 37% lower job growth, and 65% lower share price over time. Importantly, businesses with highly engaged employees enjoyed 100% more job applications.

Lack of loyalty is a third cost. Research shows that workplace stress leads to an increase of almost 50% in voluntary turnover. People go on the job market, decline promotions, or resign. And the turnover costs associated with recruiting, training, lowered productivity, lost expertise, and so forth, are significant. The Center for American Progress estimates that replacing a single employee costs approximately 20% of that employee’s salary.

For these reasons, many companies have established a wide variety of perks from working from home to office gyms. However, these companies still fail to take into account the research. A Gallup poll showed that, even when workplaces offered benefits such as flextime and work-from-home opportunities, engagement predicted wellbeing above and beyond anything else. Employees prefer workplace wellbeing to material benefits.

Wellbeing comes from one place, and one place only — a positive culture.

Creating a positive and healthy culture for your team rests on a few major principles. Our own research (see here and here) on the qualities of a positive workplace culture boils down to six essential characteristics:

• Caring for, being interested in, and maintaining responsibility for colleagues as friends.
• Providing support for one another, including offering kindness and compassion when others are struggling.
• Avoiding blame and forgive mistakes.
• Inspiring one another at work.
• Emphasizing the meaningfulness of the work.
• Treating one another with respect, gratitude, trust, and integrity.

As a boss, how can you foster these principles? The research points to four steps to try:

1. Foster social connections. A large number of empirical studies confirm that positive social connections at work produce highly desirable results. For example, people get sick less often, recover twice as fast from surgery, experience less depression, learn faster and remember longer, tolerate pain and discomfort better, display more mental acuity, and perform better on the job. Conversely, research by Sarah Pressman at the University of California, Irvine, found that the probability of dying early is 20% higher for obese people, 30% higher for excessive drinkers, 50% higher for smokers, but a whopping 70% higher for people with poor social relationships. Toxic, stress-filled workplaces affect social relationships and, consequently, life expectancy.

2. Show empathy. As a boss, you have a huge impact on how your employees feel. A telling brain-imaging study found that, when employees recalled a boss that had been unkind or un-empathic, they showed increased activation in areas of the brain associated with avoidance and negative emotion while the opposite was true when they recalled an empathic boss. Moreover, Jane Dutton and her colleagues in the CompassionLab at the University of Michigan suggest that leaders who demonstrate compassion toward employees foster individual and collective resilience in challenging times. 

3. Go out of your way to help. Ever had a manager or mentor who took a lot of trouble to help you when he or she did not have to? Chances are you have remained loyal to that person to this day.  Jonathan Haidt at New York University’s Stern School of Business shows in his research  that when leaders are not just fair but self-sacrificing, their employees are actually moved and inspired to become more loyal and committed themselves. As a consequence, they are more likely to go out of their way to be helpful and friendly to other employees, thus creating a self-reinforcing cycle. Daan Van Knippenberg of Rotterdam School of Management shows that employees of self-sacrificing leaders are more cooperative because they trust their leaders more. They are also more productive and see their leaders as more effective and charismatic.

4. Encourage people to talk to you – especially about their problems. Not surprisingly, trusting that the leader has your best interests at heart improves employee performance. Employees feel safe rather than fearful and, as research by Amy Edmondson of Harvard demonstrates in her work on psychological safety, a culture of safety i.e. in which leaders are inclusive, humble, and encourage their staff to speak up or ask for help, leads to better learning and performance outcomes. Rather than creating a culture of fear of negative consequences, feeling safe in the workplace helps encourage the spirit of experimentation so critical for innovation. Kamal Birdi of Sheffield University has shown that empowerment, when coupled with good training and teamwork, leads to superior performance outcomes whereas a range of efficient manufacturing and operations practices do not.

When you know a leader is committed to operating from a set of values based on interpersonal kindness, he or she sets the tone for the entire organization. In Give and Take, Wharton professor Adam Grant demonstrates that leader kindness and generosity are strong predictors of team and organizational effectiveness. Whereas harsh work climates are linked to poorer employee health, the opposite is true of positive work climates where employees tend to have lower heart rates and blood pressure as well as a stronger immune systems. A positive work climate also leads to a positive workplace culture which, again, boosts commitment, engagement, and performance. Happier employees make for not only a more congenial workplace but for improved customer service. As a consequence, a happy and caring culture at work not only improves employee well-being and productivity but also improved client health outcomes and satisfaction.

In sum, a positive workplace is more successful over time because it increases positive emotions and well-being. This, in turn, improves people’s relationships with each other and amplifies their abilities and their creativity. It buffers against negative experiences such as stress, thus improving employees’ ability to bounce back from challenges and difficulties while bolstering their health. And, it attracts employees, making them more loyal to the leader and to the organization as well as bringing out their best strengths. When organizations develop positive, virtuous cultures they achieve significantly higher levels of organizational effectiveness — including financial performance, customer satisfaction, productivity, and employee engagement.

st. Megan Jarvis

November in the Roman Catholic faith is when we traditionally remember our friends and family who have gone to their rest hoping to rise again in the resurrection of the dead.  Megan Jarvis unfortunately left this world too early in life.

Megan and Susan Jarvis vacationing in Northern California circa 2011

So I wanted to share this essay from This Grey Matters Blog by Susan Jarvis, my fellow parishioner of St. Stephen, Martyr Roman Catholic Church in Chesapeake, Virginia.  Susan and her husband Randy lost their daughter Megan on August 10th 2012 to brain cancer.

_____________________

Our daughter, Megan, had suffered from headaches for years which doctors said were migraines. However, on December 1, 2004, an MRI revealed our worst nightmare. We got the news no parent wants to hear – “your daughter has a brain tumor.” Our lives would be changed forever that day.

A biopsy revealed a grade two Oligoastrocytoma.   After three surgeries and years of chemo, fast-forward to August 2009, her tumor had now progressed to a grade four Glioblastoma.   This time treatment would be radiation and more chemo. Fast-forward to February 2012, more words no parent wants to hear – “Megan’s tumor is growing, and we have run out of options. “ Basically, nothing more we can do for your daughter, and then I asked the dreaded question – how much time does she have, and the dreaded answer – six months. So we took that special trip, had fun with family and friends, ate good food and we didn’t focus on what was going to happen tomorrow.

On August 10, 2012, Megan passed away from this terrible disease. It was a long journey of so many ups and downs that Megan handled with such grace and dignity – never complaining. She had a beautiful spirit that shined through in how to live day-by-day with the challenges of a terminal illness.

Six months after Megan’s death, I found the following paper she wrote for an English class at Old Dominion University. The paper was a hidden gift to us, as Megan was very private about her illness. It gives such an insight as to what life is like with a brain tumor. Megan just wanted to live a normal life like any young adult.
___________________

“English 101
Megan Jarvis
March 6, 2008

I believe that life is something that should never be taken for granted. In my first year at college I have met many people who do this every single day, not thinking anything will happen to them; that they are untouchable. I, like any young healthy person, thought that I would be fine forever, but realized that disease does not discriminate. It can affect anyone at any time, no matter how perfect they think their life is.

When I was sixteen years old I found out I had a brain tumor. I had three major surgeries, each setting me back physically and mentally. I had to deal with pain, speech therapy, seizures, chemotherapy and radiation. It has been hard, but it has helped me understand how precious every little thing in one’s life is. Since the surgeries it has been hard for me to remember my friend’s name, drink a cup of coffee, drive a car, swim, or play my piano. It is even more difficult to take a piece of paper and write my thoughts into words. Another thing that is different is all of the medication I am on. Before this I never took any medicine, and now I can’t go a day without it. It is a lot to remember and also come many side effects. The worst is when I become toxic, which has happened many times. This hurts me the most by having to miss important things, like school. I had to be home-schooled part of my senior year. I have lost almost all of my short-term memory and have trouble finding words. This can be very frustrating.

With things being the way they are, it is distressing for me to see people act in ways that are so perilous and think nothing of it. They won’t wear their seatbelt in their car; they don’t need it. They start smoking cigarettes; it makes them look cool. Lying out in the sun all day is smart and makes them look better. And after all of these things, they believe they are so healthy that they have no need for medical insurance. Then they start with their complaints – I’m not getting paid enough, I don’t like my car, I’m not tall enough, my clothes aren’t pretty enough. I want to tell them to stop wasting their time complaining about these petty things that don’t mean anything. Start appreciating things that do matter. Volunteering in a hospital I have met many elderly people with terminal diseases. When talking to them, almost all say that their sickness is due to decisions they made when they were young.

I met a person at school and when I told him about my situation, he was surprised at the way I was living my life. He said with something like this I needed to carpe diem, or “seize the day”. That was the motto by which he lived. And I did agree with him. Eat, drink, and be merry is something everyone should do; live a happy life. But don’t lose concern for the future. I told him my saying is memento mori,“remember that you are mortal”. Life is something that’s value should not be underestimated.

I know what I have experienced is more than significant. It has completely changed my life. Everything now is opposite of what I had planned it to be. It did have some good with it though. I was able to meet so many great people, people who have gone through much more than me. It showed me that I have more friends than I ever thought I did. It showed me how kind people are, but unfortunately how unkind others can be.

I am strong inside, not fearful of my future. I don’t look ahead, just the present. I don’t even know what I am doing tomorrow. I was never scared of what was going to happen to me, and I was the one holding up my family through the ordeal. I don’t know what I want for the immediate future. I think my goal is to just get through another day and see what happens from there.

My life is nowhere close to where it was before any of this happened, but I wouldn’t change anything.”

__________________
Megan had wisdom beyond her years like so many children and young adults who have to deal with cancer. Their lives remind us that it’s not the number of years we are given, but how we use them.

The question of what I wish I knew before Megan was diagnosed. I wish this were all a bad dream! I wish I wasn’t in the grieving parent club that I didn’t ask to join. Someone I knew who had also passed away from a brain tumor last words still stay etched in my mind.   Confront reality, confront the end.

I thought I knew what life would be like after Megan was gone. I thought I would be prepared. But no one can be prepared for death, let alone the death of their own child. I knew how this story would end.  After all, you don’t read of too many people living a long, full-life with a GBM. Sometimes statistics don’t lie. But that’s not to say we ever gave up hope. I grieved for many years being her mother and primary caregiver and watching her go through so much pain and suffering. That grief journey is over and now I’m on a new journey. Learning to live with the loneliness and emptiness. Learning to live with the reality that my hopes, dreams and future for Megan – gone. All the thoughts of what could have been, should have been, would have been – gone. From the time Megan was little, she always wanted to be a doctor – ironically, a Neurosurgeon.

So for my future – I will strive to live my life with Megan’s positive attitude, courage, perseverance, compassion, faith and living for today like there may be no tomorrow on this earth. I do believe there is hope that each day can get better – it’s a minute-by-minute process that may take me a lifetime to achieve.

Megan, may the wind be always at your back, and may the sun shine warm upon your face. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Love Mom

The Cost of Bad Behavior in the Workplace

The Cost of Bad Behavior in the Workplace

by Bryan J. Neva, Sr.

It's hard to quantify how much bad behavior costs organizations, but I'd bet that conservatively it's probably hundreds of billions of dollars in lost productivity and opportunities every year.

I'll give you an example. A good employee arrives back at work Monday morning after being on vacation for a week. He's refreshed after his vacation, in a good mood, and ready to tackle the work at hand. He goes through his accumulated email and discovers that his boss held a very important meeting with the team in his absence. So he walks over to his boss' office and asks about the meeting and what he missed. His boss rudely tells him he's too busy to repeat what was in the meeting and that it was his own fault he missed the meeting (even though he was on scheduled vacation). The good employee walks away humiliated and dejected.

Because he's only human, the employee doesn't accomplish much for the rest of day or the rest of the week for that matter. In fact, he's gotten so frustrated with his boss' consistent bad behavior, he spends a good part of the week updating his resume and applying for other jobs. It's only human to get even with his boss through passive aggressive behavior like this. The boss' bad behavior probably cost his organization over $1000.00 in lost productivity that one week!

Just like his boss, it wasn't right of the employee to behave badly either through his passive aggressive behavior. But people are only human and they tend to respond in kind when treated badly. It's a vicious cycle.

This is just one little example, but I could provide thousands of anecdotal examples of bad behavior in the workplace that cost organizations a lot more than just a thousand bucks! Just read through all of my past blog posts and you'll get the idea. And these are just my experiences! Multiply that by all the workers in the U.S. and you'll realize how expensive bad behavior is to the bottom line of any organization.

The point is that bad behavior at any level in the workplace is expensive and counterproductive. Look at any company or organization where bad behavior is widespread and you'll see an organization that's failing. Bad behavior is simply bad for business!

St. John the Apostle on Love for God and our Neighbor

Paraphrased excerpts from the First Letter of St. John the Apostle 

Beloved, I am not writing to you about a new commandment, but about an old commandment which you had from the beginning; the old commandment is the word which you have already heard. Yet I am writing you about a new commandment, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. 

He who says he walks in the light yet hates his neighbor is actually walking in the darkness. He who loves his neighbor walks in the light, and in it there is no cause for stumbling. But he who hates his neighbor is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If any one loves the world, the love of God is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not of God but is of the world. And the world passes away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides for ever.

See what love God has given us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are! The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now; it does not yet appear what we shall be, but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. And every one who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.

By this it may be seen who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not do what is right is not of God, nor he who does not love his neighbor.

For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another, and not be like Cain who was of the evil one and murdered his brother Abel. And why did Cain murder Abel? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother’s were righteous. 

Do not wonder, my children, why the world hates you. We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love one another. He who does not love remains in death. Any one who hates his neighbor is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for one another. 

But if any one has the world’s goods and sees his neighbor in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or speech but in deed and in truth.

And this is God's commandment, that we should believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. All who keep his commandments abide in him, and he in them.

Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God, and he who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God; for God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to atone for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. If we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

So we have come to know and believe the love God has for us. God is love, and the person who lives in love does in fact live in God, and God does in fact live in him. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because he first loved us. 

If any one says, “I love God,” and hates his neighbor, he is a liar; for he who does not love his neighbor whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him, that he who loves God should also love his neighbor.

For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that overcomes the world, our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?

Archbishop Fulton Sheen on Work and Worry

“One of the greatest deceptions of today is the belief that leisure and money are the two essentials of happiness. The sad fact of life is that there are no more frustrated people on the face of the earth than those who have nothing to do and those who have too much money for their own good. Work never killed anybody, but worry has.” 

- Archbishop Fulton Sheen (Peace of Soul)

"Relationships and Self Esteem. How to love and be loved" by Dr. David Lieberman, Ph.D.

Dr. David Lieberman, Ph.D.

Relationships and Self Esteem

How to love and be loved

by Dr. David Lieberman, Ph.D.

(This article is from Aish.com)

Emotionally healthy people generally have positive relationships. Conversely, those who don't seem to get along with anyone are often emotionally unstable. Our self-esteem has a direct impact on the quality of our relationships.

To the degree that we lack self-esteem, we cannot love ourselves fully. To fill this emotional void, we turn to the world for approval. This behavior illuminates the source of all negative emotions and interpersonal conflicts. The acceptance and recognition that we crave comes in the form of respect. We erroneously believe that if only others would respect us, we would be able to respect ourselves by converting the adoration and praise of others into self-love. Our self-worth is therefore dependent on others' opinions.

When we depend on others for validation, we become tense and vulnerable, as we over-analyze every fleeting glance and passing comment. It does not matter how much respect and adoration we receive; we are like a cup without a bottom: the moment we stop receiving this undivided attention, we are as empty and as thirsty as we were before. Yes, there are moments of fleeting satisfaction, but ultimately we remain empty inside.

No-Win or Win-Win

A healthy sense of self-esteem endows us with the ability to give. To the degree that we do not like ourselves, we cannot receive, we can only take. The more self-esteem we have, the more we are whole, as receiving is a natural consequence of giving. This cycle of giving and receiving creates the perfect union. When we take, however, we do so in an attempt to fill a void -- leaving us still empty, and forced, once again, to take in a vain attempt to feel complete. Such behavior only reinforces our dependency, and continues to exhaust us emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Man is the sum total of what he gives; and he loses a piece of himself every time he takes.

Only someone who has higher self-esteem is able to give -- love, respect, time, and attention -- to both himself and to others.

Without enough self-esteem, every relationship is rigged for a no-win scenario. For example, someone asks us for a favor, but we do not want to do it, for good reason. Giving out of fear or guilt does nothing to enhance self-esteem. To the contrary, it diminishes it. Such a situation is not really giving; it is the other person taking. If we acquiesce, then we are angry at ourselves or the other person, and if we do not do it, we feel guilty. Whatever we do leads to further justification; we cannot win. The ego swells in both scenarios and neither situation boosts self-esteem.

Through this paradigm we learn how to tell if someone has high or low self-esteem. It is reflected in how he treats himself and others. A person who lacks self-esteem may indulge in things to satisfy only his own desires, and he will not treat others particularly well (a product of an arrogant mentality). Alternatively, this person may cater to others because he so craves their approval and respect, but he does not take care of his own needs (a product of the doormat mentality). Only someone who has higher self-esteem is able to give -- love, respect, time, and attention -- to both himself and to others.

Giving Vs. Taking

When a person gives, he loves the object of his giving more -- and so love is planted and grows. A child receives and a parent gives; who loves who more? The child cannot wait to get out of the house, while the parent is forever concerned with the child's wellbeing.

Every positive emotion stems from giving and flows outward from us to others, whereas every negative emotion revolves around taking. Indeed, the root of the Hebrew word, ahavah, love, is hav, to give.

Lust is the opposite of love. When we lust after someone or something, our interest is purely selfish in our desire to feel complete. When we love, however, our focus is on how we can express our love, and give to the other person. It makes us feel good to give, and we do so happily. When someone we love is in pain, we feel pain. When someone after whom we lust is in pain, however, we think only about how this person's situation will affect us, in terms of our own inconvenience or discomfort.

Love is limitless. A parent does not love her second child less because she already has one child. She loves each child, gives to each child, and does not run out of love. Compare this to someone who acquires a work of art that he "loves." Over time, his fascination with the piece wanes, and when he acquires a new work, all of his attention, affection, and joy is redirected from the old art to the new art because, in truth, he does not love his art. He loves himself, and his art makes him happy. He is not giving to his art; his art gives to him, and so he takes.

Our feelings of self-worth betray us when we consider whether God really cares about little old me, with all the billions of people in the world. There are no limitations to God's love. He created the world expressly for us as if we were His only child. Just as a loving parent is concerned and consumed by each and every aspect of the child's wellbeing, so, too, is God's interest in our lives.

Difficult People: The Solution, not the Problem

The image on the right demonstrates negative space. Focus on the white image and we see a vase; focus on the black space and we see two profiles facing each other. Each space, positive and negative, defines the other. The vase cannot maintain the integrity of its shape unless the white space does the same.

No matter how much we work on ourselves, we will never be successful at transforming any aspect of our character, if our new self cannot exist in our world. Reshaping ourselves into the desired vessel can only be accomplished by redefining current relationships, and better understanding the role that difficult people play in our lives.

We are no good to anyone if we are no good to ourselves.

Flight attendants begin each trip by informing passengers that in the event of the oxygen masks dropping down during the flight, those traveling with children should secure their own masks first, and then secure the masks on their children. We are no good to anyone if we are no good to ourselves. Whenever we redraw lines in relationships, one person gets less territory; but without boundaries, there is no definition of self. While some relationships benefit from having no boundaries, allowing those who are toxic make the rules and shape us is not healthy. It certain instances, then, we are obligated to say, "Enough is enough."

We are mistaken to believe that the larger solution is cutting out of our lives those people who are difficult; rarely is this required. It is only when we respond to another's' cruelty with like, that we move to a mode of dependence, and so pain. There is no way to get around this. Guilt will seep in, our ego engages to fortify our actions and our beliefs, and all the while, our self-esteem and emotional wellbeing slowly melt.

Sometimes the closer we are to someone, the worse we treat them. Too often, a person shows more gratitude to the toll collector than to his own spouse; indeed, sometimes we deliver kindness to a stranger but ignore the needs of our own family.

One reason we do not give is because we do not get. A person holds back from another because he does not feel that his own emotional needs are being met. On the other side of the coin, strangers are quick to offer their appreciation and to give us the respect we crave when we come to their aid. Will a family member even acknowledge our efforts? It does not matter. Our actions must be independent of the response or of our own feelings of whether or not the other party in the relationship deserves our kindness and love.

The temptation to do otherwise is strong, particularly if we suffer from low self-esteem. By definition, low self-esteem means that a person does not feel in control -- remember, self-respect comes from self-control. So the less control we exert over ourselves, the more we attempt to control or manipulate the world and the people in it.

Now we understand why it is that we hurt -- either overtly or passive aggressively -- the ones closest to us. The closer we are to someone, the more power we have over them, and the more we can attack their weaknesses with pinpoint accuracy. When we lack self-control, hurting those who love us gives us the most traction to cause something to happen. It is the last vestige of power for the person who has so little of it.

When a person has very low self-esteem, it does not matter how accomplished he appears; such a person is dependent upon everyone and everything to feed his ego.

We do not feel complete when we are feuding or estranged from a member of our immediate family. But God does not leave our wellbeing at the doorstep of other people, let alone those who are not well. If we do everything that we can, when we can, for as long as we can, to have the healthiest relationship possible, and we still don't get anywhere, then we find that while we have compassion for the other, and perhaps some sadness over the loss of the relationship, we do not feel less good about ourselves.

Our strife with another need not cause discord within ourselves. Our willingness to do what is necessary to bring peace, is what will give us peace, regardless of the outcome. There is one major caveat. When we say that we need to do everything possible to make peace, we do not mean that we try our very best to make our point, and present a clear and rational argument as to why we are right. Only an attempt at peace that comes by way of complete humility, will keep our trust in God intact and our conscience absolved of guilt.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

It is our responsibility to perceive the wider reality, which is that God is speaking to us through every person and situation. Relationships are a very common area in which people often miss the message and focus on the messenger.

The prerequisite for growing in any area is not to blame, but to ask oneself practically, "What does God want from me now?"

Difficult people are not in our lives to add to our woes, but to help us; and we need to realize this, or they will keep coming around again and again -- and so may we keep coming around, again and again.

The prerequisite for growing in any area is not to blame, or be enraged at the injustice of the situation, but to ask oneself practically, "What does God want from me now?"

While we are in blame-mode, we are also not solution-oriented, and therefore cannot see, let alone investigate, ways to improve the situation. What would happen if you would stop looking at yourself as a victim?

Our Parents

An adult's self-esteem is often damaged as a result of suffering from lack of love or experiencing intense turmoil at an early age. This is because children gain their self-esteem largely from their parents (or primary caregivers). Children do not possess the reasoning faculties to make choices as adults do, and thus they cannot gain self-respect through self-control. Our personal sense of right and wrong is not fully established until our early teens.

For egocentric beings (children), it is easy to ascribe a failure within ourselves as the "reason" behind a parent's behavior. A parent becomes angry with the child, and so the child naturally concludes that there is a flaw within herself. She translates her parent's anger into, "I am unworthy of his love," which soon becomes, "I am not worthy of being loved." Now, if a child can form these conclusions -- as many do -- with loving parents, imagine how easy it is for the child to draw the conclusion that she is unlovable or bad when she is being raised by abusive parents. The child will understandably feel, "If my parents' can do this to me, then what am I worth?"

If we did not receive love from our parents as children, or felt that our lives were out of control due to trauma or domestic volatility, we may needlessly spend the rest of our lives craving love and acceptance. Everything we do is intended to bring us to that end.

The love that parents give children is determined by their own limitations, not those of the children. It never occurs to us as children that maybe it has nothing to do with us.

As adults, it can still be difficult to internalize the fact that our self-worth isn't contingent upon our parents' approval of us, but we can recreate this imprint. Once we do, our lives can be forever changed, and the damage that has disfigured us for decades can be undone.

We will not find an emotionally healthy person with considerable unresolved anger towards a parent. It is highly probable that this person will have difficulty enjoying positive, let alone deep and meaningful, relationships while this anger exists. Anyone who feels anger towards a parent must make it a priority to move past the negative feelings.

Revisiting the Past

Experiments in the field of quantum mechanics reveal something most intriguing: the quantum eraser effect. Physicists have determined that something happening after the fact can change or "erase" the way particles have behaved at an earlier point in time. As strange as this seems, not only do we shape reality, but we can recreate what has already unfolded. This means that a shift in perspective now allows us to "undo" our past and permanently alter how we see ourselves and our world. In an address to physicists, Albert Einstein pronounced: "People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."

It is difficult to grasp the concept that reality is not linear, where a shift in perspective can create retroactive change. Since human beings are locked in time and space, we cannot easily see how the future can change the past.

Imagine an elderly woman, who, after believing that she was happily married for 60 years, is told on her deathbed that her recently departed husband never loved her - he was a paid actor hired by her parents. Can we say that she was happy her entire life and that only the last thirty seconds were difficult? Did the birthday celebrations, anniversaries, walks, conversations, laughter, and memories of beautiful vacations disappear? No. They are there in memory, but changed. Her past is now different.

If, after hearing this revelation, someone were to ask this woman, "How was your life?" what would she answer? Would she easily answer "Wonderful?" More likely, her response would be that it was awful, sad, and heartbreaking. The characters and events are still fixed in time, but we have a glimpse of how the now has an impact on the before.

That is not to say that we should attempt to convince ourselves that our past carries no meaning. Instead, we should simply allow for the possibility that the meaning we have assigned to events may not be true; that how we feel about ourselves, based on how our parents (or anyone else for that matter) treated us, may be an inaccurately formed conclusion.

We continuously re-energize painful experiences by rehearsing the fictitious causal correlation between an event and our feelings. Our memory of the experience is locked in a false impression, and we file that negative memory away in our minds as fact.

It is not the circumstance, but rather our thoughts about the situationthat gives rise to the emotions, that determine the impact and lasting influence. Taking responsibility for our lives now, wherever we are, converts the pain into fuel that ignites our emotional freedom.