The Power of Forgiveness (Part 7)

Jesus Forgives His Tormentors

Actor Jim Caviezel portraying Jesus Christ in the 2004 film "The Passion of the Christ"

And when they came to the place which is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on the right and one on the left. And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:33-34)

The Power of Forgiveness (Part 6)

Dr. David Lieberman, Ph.D.

In the first five parts of this blog series on The Power of Forgiveness, I presented much of what Jesus taught on forgiveness.  Today I'd like to shift the focus a bit to some practical advice on dealing with our anger and practicing forgiveness. The following is a great article from one of my favorite authors, Dr. David Lieberman, Ph.D., who is a best-selling author of 11 books on practical psychology. (Here's a link to the website he posts on.)

How To Deal With Nonsense Criticism

Don't get angry. Why let someone else dictate how you feel?

by Dr. David Lieberman, Ph.D.

When someone is rude to us our first reaction is to protect our ego. We get upset and respond with something like, "How dare you talk to me like that!" "Don't you yell at me!" We make this angry person our problem.

Why let someone else dictate how you feel? Getting angry gives another person control over your emotional state. That's a lot of power for one person to possess, especially someone that is rude to you.

If you resist your initial inclination to get defensive, you may be surprised at what happens. Instead of, "Why are you treating me like this?" try saying, "You seem to be having a rough day." Rather than, "I didn't do anything. Don't talk to me like that!" say, "This seems to have upset you." Don't take possession of his problem. It's his problem, not yours.

The psychological dynamics change dramatically as soon as you use the word "I" or "me." Then it becomes something between you and him. By using the word "you," you keep the ball in his court and the problem remains his sole property.

It has nothing to do with you as long as you don't try to take part ownership of it.

 You will find that by not responding defensively you won't become as upset by the exchange. It has nothing to do with you as long as you don't try to take part ownership of it.

Sometimes criticism comes in the form of nicely packaged advice. In this instance thank the person for offering her insight, and then later you can decide whether or not there is any credence to what she said. Sometimes it can be hard to separate out the message from the messenger, but when you do, you may find some good advice.

Thank the person regardless of how unproductive or self-serving the remark is. Recognize that if the advice is more of a put-down than it is constructive, she is coming from a place of pain and she needs to do this in order to feel good about herself. Have compassion and empathy for her and rise above it. If you get angry or annoyed, it's the same as kicking the shins of a 90-year-old man who wants to pick a fight with you. First, no matter what happens, you can't win. And second, what are you doing? Do not get defensive. Do not engage her. Simply say "Thank you, I will give that some thought," sincerely and directly.

If you want, you can then ask a question regarding how or why she herself is so capable, without being sarcastic!

Comment: "You know, Aaron, you were way off your game in that meeting."
Response: "Really? I'll have to review that later. You're so great for looking out for me. How would you have handled it?"

Comment: "Marcy, you know that outfit is not very flattering on you."
Response: "Oh, thanks for letting me know. A lot of friends wouldn't tell me something like that because they'd think I might get upset. You're such a special person. Where did you get such a great sense of fashion from?"

Comment: "I thought you were trying to lose weight. Do you think you should be eating that?"
Response: "Oh, you're so sweet for remembering that I'm dieting. Thank you. You seem like you have great willpower. I'd love for you to tell me your secret."

This person is being disrespectful to you because she craves respect herself. By thanking her and asking her for her input, you feed her psyche and end the "attack."

Of course, not all criticism comes from people in pain. And just because it's not done in a caring way does not mean that this person doesn't still care about you. She may not be able to critique you effectively and kindly, even though she does really care.

Alas, we should always keep in mind the optimum motivation for holding our tongue. The Talmud (Gittin 56a) reveals that the strength of God is manifest through His non-reaction to the insults and blaspheming of the wicked. Elsewhere, the Midrash states that one who is silent in the face of insults is called pious, and a partner with God. What greater motivation do we really need?

So the next time someone fires an insult or criticism your way, remember you don't lose by saying nothing in response.

The Power of Forgiveness (Part 5)

Cleaning House

In Matthew's Gospel (12:43-45) Jesus talks figuratively about cleaning house. Let's listen.

“When an unclean spirit has gone out of a man, he passes through waterless places seeking rest, but he finds none. Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and brings with him seven other spirits more evil than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first." 

We all know that once you clean your house it only stays clean for a little while and the dirt magically returns again. You've got to continue to clean your house if you want it to stay clean. In the same way, we've got to continue to clean our hearts and souls of the dirt that piles up inside. The dirt in our hearts and souls are "evil spirits." They're the bad, sinful, self-indulgent behaviors in our lives. It could be addictive behaviors such as smoking, drinking, drugs, or over-eating. In our case let's call the "evil spirit" holding on to anger and resentment, or our inability to forgive others. When we try to rid ourselves of our destructive behaviors (cleaning house), we'll always be vulnerable that they'll return again in force. If you're an ex-smoker or drinker, you know you're one cigarette or one drink away from getting re-addicted. If you've struggled with your weight, you know you're one piece of candy away from regaining all your weight and then some. In the same way, if you've been accustomed to holding on to anger and resentment, then you're just one insult away from an unforgiving heart. Practicing forgiveness is like keeping our house clean. It takes work, but the payoff is a clean and tidy house you can live in.

The Power of Forgiveness (Part 4)

Jesus on Personal Conflict

In Matthew's Gospel (excerpts from Chapter 18), Jesus teaches us how to handle personal conflict.  Let's listen: 

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.  Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.

“Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the reckoning, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents; and as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him the lord of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But that same servant, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat he said, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and besought him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison till he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you besought me; and should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his lord delivered him to the jailers, till he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

The Power of Forgiveness (Part 3)

Jesus on Judging Others

In St. Luke's Gospel (excerpts from Chapters 6 and 7), Jesus' sermon on the mount is retold in slightly a different way. Let's listen:

“But I say to you that hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. And as you wish that men would do to you, do so to them. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the selfish. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful."

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For the measure you give will be the measure you get back.”

"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye."

The Power of Forgiveness (Part 2)

Jesus and the woman caught in adultery 

In St. John's Gospel (8:2-11), an interesting thing happens and Jesus uses it as a teachable moment:

Early in the morning Jesus came again to the temple; all the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The Scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such. What do you say about her?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.  Jesus looked up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”  She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again.”

What was Jesus writing on the ground? Some biblical commentators believe he was writing the sins of the Scribes and the Pharisees as each of them spoke such as, "Usurer, Fornicator, Adulterer, Murderer, Thief, Blasphemer, Idolator, Irreverent Son, False Witness...."  One commentator quoted Jeremiah 17:13, "All those who forsake thee shall be put to shame; those who turn away from thee shall be written in the earth, for they have forsaken the Lord." Maybe Jesus was fulfilling this prophecy? We don't know for sure, but I'd like to believe that after all the commotion had died down and the woman's accusers had left he wrote this word on the ground: "Forgiven!"

The Power of Forgiveness (Part 1)

I'm beginning a new blog series on the power of forgiveness.  I think forgiveness more than any other thing is absolutely vital for success in all aspects of our lives. Being the shy and sensitive type, I've struggled with anger and resentment throughout my life. In fact, my inability to forgive and forget almost destroyed me once had it not been for God's grace in my life.

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Jesus on Forgiveness

We all see the horrible affects anger and resentment has on people's lives. When we watch the evening news we see all manner of anger, hate, rage, murder, mayhem, violence, and war. In Jesus' sermon on the mount, he talked about anger, resentment, and how to overcome it (excerpts from Matthew 5 and 6):  

"You have heard that it was said to the men of old, ‘You shall not kill; and whoever kills shall be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Make friends quickly with your accuser, while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison; truly, I say to you, you will never get out till you have paid the last penny." 

"You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist one who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also; and if any one would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well; and if any one forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to him who begs from you, and do not refuse him who would borrow from you."

"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you salute only your brethren, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

"And when you pray, pray then like this: 

Our Father who art in heaven, 

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread;

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we also have forgiven those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive your trespasses."

Steve Jobs

The new Steve Jobs biopic is a travesty, says his ex. Cold? Ruthless? Obsessive? No, he was FAR worse than that.

Fear and Midwestern Matter-of-Fact-ness

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears has not been perfected in love.  - St. John, the Evangelist (I John 4:18)

Having grown up in the Midwest, I developed a unique regional personality trait: simply being open, honest, and personable with others. Some call it Midwestern matter-of-fact-ness! And since leaving the North in my early twenties, I've lived in the South, the East, and the West, and I've visited just about every place in between. Some places I've liked more than others, but it's usually the people that tell me a lot about a place. Some places like the South, people are slower paced, polite, and respectful. Other places like the East, people are hurried, cold, and aloof. Out in the West, I've found people friendly, but self-absorbed and stand-off-ish.

I think the regional social differences in the U.S. have a lot to do with how crowded a place is, how cosmopolitan a place is (or the racial and ethnic makeup of the area), the climate, the economy, and many other factors. But deep down I think regional social differences have more to do with fear and insecurity.

Early in my career I took a position as a field service engineer which required me to have a lot of social interaction with customers and colleagues. I stumbled quite a bit in the beginning because I had erected many self-preserving barriers. I wanted to keep people at arms length in order to keep them from hurting me. What I had to learn the hard way is that doesn't work well in sales and service. To be successful in business, you've really got to be more open and honest with others as it's easier to do business with friends and acquaintances than it is with enemies and strangers. At the very least, you have to give customers the impression you're being open and honest with them, but I've found being authentic worked the best for me as customers aren't stupid and they can tell if a sales or service provider is being disingenuous.

Digging deep into my soul, I rediscovered my Midwestern matter-of-factness and started opening up more to others and being more authentic. Eventually, I became one of the most successful field service engineers in my company; by the time I quit, my annual sales revenue were twice the national average, and my customer satisfaction rate was 98% in a business that demands only 80%. But I think more telling than this is that I've stayed acquainted with many of my customers and colleagues since leaving that job.

I realize that being introverted inhibits many people from developing their own Midwestern matter-of-fact-ness. I too am an introvert, and surprisingly you'll discover that many other success people are introverts as well. Being introverted just means you've got to try a lot harder than extroverts do as you've got more social fears and insecurities to overcome.

Fear is what keeps most people from truly being successful in their chosen work. Most of your colleagues are on par with you as far as technical knowledge and business skills. So the difference is how open, honest, and personable you are. By confronting your own fears and insecurities, you too can become more successful in business and in life by developing a more open, honest, and personable style or Midwestern matter-of-factness.

EXPERT: DISNEY REWARDS EMPLOYEES FOR RECORD PROFITS BY REPLACING THEM WITH CHEAPER FOREIGN WORKERS